When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
It's shark week go big or go home
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
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