I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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