Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
