Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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