Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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