he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
