Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
