I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
