i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
