You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
