hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
