My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
