I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
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