In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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