just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
