there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
