Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
