Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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