I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
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