if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
