Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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