I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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