Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
