How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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