I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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