I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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