i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
