Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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