I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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