My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I stole a fireplace last night.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
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