we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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