I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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