you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
