Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
