Pappa wants mamma naked
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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