The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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