I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
