3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
