he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
My penis needs a shock collar
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Randomize
