I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
