So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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