i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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