I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
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