I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
