It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
