there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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