I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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