My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I just googled if crying burns calories
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
