At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I am available for nakedness
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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