I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
