I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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