God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Randomize
