i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
