Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
